some jokes

[Remnant Samurai]

here are some jokes ive found

A guy rings up work and tells his boss he can't come in today cos he's sick.
" well just how sick are you? " asks his boss.
" look at it this way" the guy says " right now i'm in bed with my sister!"



A BMW goes flying past a hidden speed trap and the cop immediately gives chase.
A mile down the road and he pulls the chap in the BMW over.
" Do you realise that you were travelling way over the speed limit sir?" asks the cop
" sorry officer i did but i'm a doctor and was on my way to perform an operation" replies the man
" A doctor? Really? And what field is that then sir?" questions the cop
" i'm a rectum stretcher"
"a rectum strecher? what exactly does that entail then?" asks the cop
" well i start by inserting one finger into the rectum and move it around until its large enough to take two fingers. Then i repeat the procedure until i can get three in and then four until its large enough for my whole hand. Then i continue until i can get both hands in and from then on i proceed to enlarge the rectum until its six foot wide" replies the doctor
"SIX FOOT!!" exlaimed the cop " what exactly would someone do with a six foot arse hole?"
" well apparently they give it a speed camera and hide it behind a bridge!!"



How do you make a cat go woof?

Soak it in petrol and put a match to it. WOOOF!!!!



What's blue and f**ks old ladies?

Hypothermia.

or
What's blue and f**ks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue shirt.



A young lad walks into a bar looking really down and depressed.
"double whisky please" he says to the barman
The barman pours his drink and asks why he looks so depressed
"I dont want to talk about it" says the man and with that he downs the whisky
"put another double in there" asks the man
The barman pours his drink and the man immediately downs that one aswell.
"I'll have another please" says the man and once again the barman pours his drink and the guy downs it again.
"You know i see alot of guys in here depressed" says the barman "the answer isnt at the bottom of a glass. You wanna talk it over?" asks the barman
"If you must know" the guy says " Todays the day of my first blowj*b"
"REALLY!!" the barman says quite surprised " why are you so down then? It should be a cause for celebration! Here let me get you another drink on the house!"
"No i'm good thank you" the man says "If the first 3 didn't get the taste of it outta my mouth then another isn't gonna make a difference!"




Three men were sat discussing what they'd bought their wives for christmas.
The first guy says " I bought my wife a diamond ring and a pair of gloves"
"if she doesn't like the ring then she can put the gloves on to hide it"
"i like your thinking" says the second guy "i got my little lady a necklace and a scarf. If she doesn't like the necklace she can just wear the scarf"
The third guy tells them " I had the exact same thought as you guys. I got my wife some diamond earrings and a vibrator"
"diamond earrings and a vibrator?" his friends ask
"yeah" says the third guy " if she don't like the earrings she can go f**k herself!!"




A man walks into a bar and sees the menu on the counter:

CHEESE + ONION SANDWICH £2.00

HANDJ*B £5.00

A gorgeous blonde walks up to him from behind the counter and asks " what can i get you sir?"
The guy asks " are you the girl that gives the handj*bs?"
"yes i am" she says with fluttering her eyelashes at him
"in that case" replies the guy "go wash your hands i want a cheese sandwich!"


• I want you 2 know that our friendship mean alot 2 me. U cry i cry. U laugh I laugh. U jump out of the window... I look down & den... I laugh again.

• Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in ur hands all day. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper, so I cud have a new one everyday.


There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Errrm they're making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night weren't you?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


Little Mary was sat in class when the teacher gave out the homework for the next day.
"class i want you to think of a story that has a moral to it and you will tell the class your story tomorrow."
Mary goes home and asks her dad for some help with her story.
The next day the teacher asks the children to tell their stories to the rest of the class and when Marys turn came she stood at the front of the class and said " This is a story about my uncle Robert. When he was in the war he was dropped over enemy lines with a gun a knife and a bottle of whiskey. He was so scared that he drank the whole bottle of whisky before he'd even landed!"
"Oh my!" said the teacher " what happened next?"
"well when he landed he was surrounded by 20 Germans. He pulled his gun out and shot 6 of them dead then he ran out of bullets so he beat 4 of them do death with the butt of the gun until that broke!"
"was he captured then? asks the teacher
" no miss, he pulled out his knife and killed 5 more until the blade snapped." she replied
"he must have been caught then?" said the teacher
" no miss, he set about the other 5 with his bare hands and killed them all aswell!!" mary said
" so whats the moral of the story then Mary? war is a bad thing? violence doesn't solve anything?" questioned the teacher
"No miss, the moral is dont f**k with uncle Robert when he's had a drink!"



This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.
The lady askes "what size"
and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
This guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
The lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
A teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size"
and the teenage says "I don't know"
Again the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"


Guy 1: correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't holy water just water that has a prayer said over it?
Guy 2: holy water is water blessed by a priest, nothing special or added sleep.gif technically he could bless the water coming from a pipe
Guy 1: so like you could have a fountain of holy water
Guy 2: the priest would probably get tired of the constant blessing
Guy 2: and run out of mana
Guy1: rofls, how does he recharge his mana then?
Guy 2: i dunno, fresh up maybe?
Guy 1: lol


what did the hurricane say to the palm tree............
hold on to you're balls this is no ordinary blowjob

one guy in a bar says to the other guy "I slept with you're mom last night!"
the whole bar awws and is eager to see a fight
then the other guy says "okay dad, i think you had enough for today"